DEAR DIARY.....THIS MORNING!

I awoke this morning to a feeling of anger. I didn't understand it so much until my thought process begin to overtake me with why? I asked God why and it dawned on me that through all of the things I am going through and being tested with I had no one to hold me at night and ensure me that everything is going to be alright. And it wasn't so much that I couldn't find or have anyone to do so, it's as if there's not one person in this universe who could really understand the battles I have in order to maintain a strong mind to fight alone. Like I said I don't even know why I woke up angry, I just know I'm grateful everyday for God keeping me in my right mind. Which is driving me mad for whatever reason sometimes I feel like I deserve that significant other who is loyal and honest, I ask God why is this process taking so long? I'm not a perfect woman but my intentions are built on doing what's right for the sake of me and mine. I think it comes to a point in your life when you've gone through enough, that you aren't even afraid anymore. Courage to continue and stand takes over you and people begin to be afraid of you just know the battle just gets harder. I have no one to help me take breaks, take a load off. The people I have chosen or who have been placed in my life from birth until now are the cards I've been dealt. There is no doubt in my mind that this has already been written> God don't make mistakes we learn from them and move on. What really bothers me is for people to act like they know it all, because in a split second things could change your life instantly.This is chess whatever pawn you are on the play board is optional, but who's team you play ( only 2 sides in chess) on is the big question. If I told you my story you would ask me how I even have "sanity" I'm not on drugs to cope, I'm not out here killing and stealing, I'm not lying and abusing. With everything left in me I am fighting for purpose while all of these things were used through my trials to keep my spirit bound. Meanwhile, I try to teach my seeds a "history" that was stolen from me. I learn everyday a new piece of me that makes sense in such a powerful way, it gives me every reason to believe and know I was created to be this strong black virtuous  woman in such a powerful way so that it's going to only  take a certain kind of MAN/ SUPPORT system to hold me down.What makes it hard for me to believe if there's any support brave enough for black women period is the weakness I see everyday, and it's because they themselves don't know who they are. They let what is seen visually, materially and not seen spiritually  take over that's within. And I think to myself " they can't possibly know their own strength". I look at women and men everyday, and I've looked at myself from past & present experiences asking myself is this how I want my children to lead or be lead? I asked myself can I really do this by myself or do I even want to?  There are forces out here that don't want me to, so as long as I see the design for what it is. Expressing myself with my gifts and talents hoping  that one day a voice loud and clear will awake the people I care most about to come to terms with the reality of the hate that has conditioned us into this whole dilemma. But then I realize that the saying "many are called, but few are chosen" is not just a saying but a fact and being chosen is God Given. When you know that you're chosen they will try to take everything away from you when you ain't got shit, just to try and make you look like you ain't shit. But when people around you look at you the light tells it all. I realize I may be IN this world, but I am NOT OF this world. Even when you try to knock me down by taking my most prized possession (which is not even a thing btw) it takes the strength of a Goddess to hold it together to remind the enemy who has placed a crown over MY head. The eyes are the quickest way to see into the soul and when I opened my eyes this morning I wondered how long it was going to take the disagreeables to figure out there are 3 more sets of eyes out there just like mine which equals 6+3 insightful ones which boils down to "NINE ETHER" AND I THINK THERE'S NO WAY I CAN BE AFRAID FOR WHATEVER IT'S WORTH TO TRY AND TAKE WHAT WAS AND NEVER WILL BE YOURS TO HAVE. BY STRENGTH YOU HATE TO SEE  THE SUPREME BEING WITHIN ME IT SHALL ALL BE RETURNED TO ME!!!!